when i complained that my life was stagnant, i didn't mean i wanted a tsunami like this.
i'm going to stop blogging for a while (which always happens in times like this so no worries readers, i'll be back), i'm going on that time-out chair.
i'm not running away, its a process of information lockdown where some things just shouldn't be said here. besides, i'm really particular about who i share stuff with, rememeber?
i'm accountable to every word and action of mine, and i will take responsibility for them all.
i've been immature, been a jerk, bottom line - i've screwed up.
it should never be about me and my needs anyway.
Bible says that in a magnitude of counsellors there is safety.
ok guys, we need to talk.
the thing i need to do now, i need to sleep, which i'm failing to do well since monday. and i binged like crazy today.
shucks. take me back to the start.
feel the beat. [3:17 AM]
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
You’re in my mind You’re in my heart I wish I knew right from the start All my friends said you’d break my heart A heartbreaker right from the start
I tried to fight it I tried so hard And every day I pray to God That you and me were meant to be But you had another You had a lover And now its gone I don’t know why
I feel like crying Just want to die I can’t look at you And you know why No I tried so hard To catch your eye
feel the beat. [10:01 AM]
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Love takes hostages, Gives them pain. Gives someone the power to Hurt you again and again Oooh, but they don't care
And it kicks so hard, It breaks your bones. Cuts so deep It hits your soul. Tears your skin and Makes your blood flow. It's beter that you know, That love is hard.
- James Morrison, Love is Hard
feel the beat. [11:20 PM]
Summer, Summer. You're like another.
feel the beat. [3:28 PM]
Monday, December 14, 2009
love makes smart people stupid. :(
feel the beat. [11:43 PM]
my fridge is stuffed with chocolate and candy canes.
CHRISTMAS IS COMING!
apparently (and sadly), those stuff belongs to my sister, who prepared them as Christmas gifts.
CHRISTMAS GIFTS!!
shucks. i have yet to start on my Christmas shopping actually, though the intentions and ideas are there already okay! just need some action :D
and to help you guys along, i know everyone will be buying me a Christmas gift (cross fingers and prays), i shall list out what i want for Christmas...
Save it, take me out to a nice meal (and please don't pay for me).
if you know me well enough, i'm not quite a gift-receiving guy. i'm a Quality Time guy.
but i like to give gifts!
with all due respect, gifts, i can buy them myself too. but the company, the relationships built - priceless.
yet, if you still insist in buying me a gift, please buy something sentimental and not practical because you probably won't find me using it. it would be too precious to, they probably end up in my memories box.
i even keep the sweet wrappers when sweets were given to me as gifts (of course it was special, it had my name written on it, but i keep every single little thing)
and i specially have a fetish for handmade stuff. :D
that is, if you really insist, you know.
feel the beat. [12:19 AM]
Sunday, December 13, 2009
yesterday's message was really timely.
i'm in a phase of my life where everything seems, Stagnant.
my spiritual life, my relationships, my ministry, my evangelism. nothing much seems to be happening, nothing much seems to be worth looking forward to.
yet, i don't think i've lost the dream from God, and though i do talk alot less about it (maybe i'm not as excited about it anymore, i admit), i still believe that one day, it will surely come to pass if it is the Will of God.
there is a time and season for everything, and God has made everything beautiful in its time. this is just a time when i'm getting ready (once again), i'll keep on keeping on, and PUSH (pray until something happens).
i've always remember how my leaders would disciple me, and one of the lessons which left the biggest impression in my heart is that we must always pray to be ready. we must have the capacity to contain what God has in store for us, and not to be overwhelmed by it when it comes. i'm doing that, so when the opportunity comes again, i would be better equipped to handle what God has for me.
i do believe i've grown much since "The Fall", and this time, i'm gonna do a better job :)
past glories count for nothing now, yesterday's message was really an encouragement i needed. keep on keeping on.
this is like one of my favourite verses.
Habakkuk 2:3
For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, It will not tarry.
feel the beat. [10:29 AM]
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Today's a rush I've got to blog while on the go.
The testimonies shared during yesterday's CG really moved me. Although it also leaves me a sour feeling when I looked around and realised my closests are not with me.
Some people leave footprints so deep in your life that you still feel their feet even though they have moved on.
But I'm glad I have people like that, and would like to do the same for others. On a different context altogether, I will not give up. One day, I hope to hear such a testimony again, with me in the picture this time :) I want to be that somebody to someone. I want to care enough to share.
Okay, i'm going to donate blood now, I hope my blood flows correctly this time. Hahah.
feel the beat. [11:56 AM]
Friday, December 11, 2009
i had Xiao Long Bao (XLB) buffet today.
i realise my target of 100 XLBs is impossible, try making it 35.
and i realise, having too much of a good thing is not good either.
i really wanted to eat XLB, and the only thing i ate was XLB. (and 2 dumplings + 1 prawn)
maybe that just sums up my character. when i really want something, often that will become my only focus and i will miss out on the other things.
like, i've missed out on the meatballs and man tou and mushroom and etc.
not good not good. anything brought to an extreme is bad.
Wednesday was a humbling experience. it reminded me how much i need God.
i've been feeling that all along - the same inadequacy, inferiority, insecurity. and it is a constant battle to manage those emotions.
so when i'm tired, and weak, and when i give in, i crumple and fall.
imagine how tough it is to deal with such stuff week in week out. i've got to stay strong, and as the song goes, Love is Hard.
feel the beat. [12:46 AM]
Thursday, December 10, 2009
then again, there's no denying.
i've fallen stupid for you.
It's not everday That I find a person quite like you Perfect every way I finally found the nerve to confess that it's you - that I want I don't care if I act a fool I would damn near beg for you !
Put aside, all my pride So don't keep me hanging here Cause this girl is falling stupid for you.. Stupid for you..
The proper thing to do Is for me to act like a lady and wait For you to make the first move But I don't think you're getting the point That it's you - that I want I don't care if I act a fool I would damn near beg for you Put aside, all my pride So don't keep me waiting here Cause this girl is falling stupid for you! Oh, oh stupid for you
Why's it always feel like I am Chasing love when nothing's there And here I go just making the same mistake...
I've fallen stupid for you..
feel the beat. [9:07 AM]
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
tonight's not gonna be a good night.
for the past few hours, waves of saddness engulf me.
i'm feeling horrible, but i don't feel like crying. i feel like wailing and screaming, crying just doesn't fit the intensity of the pain i feel now.
it started since the morning prayer meeting, i cried my eyes out to the Lord.
i'm feeling really really really discouraged now.
this race i run, i now see mountains after mountains, paths which get me high up, and then pummel me down straight. it is getting difficult, really really tough i'm finding it hard to breathe.
fool. idiot. stupid.
3 words i could easily relate to now, for i have been all 3.
i want to be a good finisher, i don't want this to end up like the last race.
had i been told earlier that i was somewhere near the lead and near the finish, i wouldn't have thrown in the towel. its too late now, i've already quit, and then now i find myself in a similar race.
my wounds have yet to heal, and i've thrown myself into another long winding race again. hello heartbreak, we meet again.
now, i don't even know where i stand. this feeling of insecurity and being left to hang doesn't go well with me at all.
i'm starting to feel, that i'm not good enough for you.
endurance. i think it is something i really need. i never said it was easy, i said it was worth it.
Hebrews 12:1
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
hai, i'm really sad la.
feel the beat. [8:42 PM]
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
if i remember correctly, Dr. A.R.Bernard once said,
"The proof of your desire is in your pursuit."
i've been a Christian for 5 years? and looking back, i've never prayed and fasted so hard for something, something like this, other than God Himself.
